


stabat mater

by whatsthepointe



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, and you dont really have to have watched the season for it to make sense, artist cole rights, but theyre about coles mom, dont read if you like happy endings, minor spoilers for s11, minor spoilers for s12, minor spoilers for s13, once again i would like to apologize for my actions, zane and cole centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27003685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsthepointe/pseuds/whatsthepointe
Summary: stabat mater- “stood the mother, full of grief.”orCole has faced many, many battles in his life: the anacondrai, his own brothers, and even evil tyrannical leaders of distant kingdoms. In a sense, these battles were all the same, each with a stereotypical villain that wanted to take over the world (or something along those lines).Cancer- his mother’s own disease- was certainly new.
Relationships: Cole/Zane (Ninjago)
Comments: 87
Kudos: 99





	1. stabat mater

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags for potential spoiler and trigger warnings :)  
> if you like listening to music while you read, i made a playlist for this fic here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4WSnnNTUAU2hnVbZS7lFnB?si=7I9NaJQPSG6gHoN8oUdnUw

  * **7 years prior**



“Dad,” Cole tugged on his father’s pant leg, “why is Mom always coughing?”

Lou sighed into his coffee mug. It had been a particularly slow morning, and he was not particularly energetic. Unfortunately for him, his son was, and when Cole was energetic, he began to ask questions.

Lou supposed it was good that his son asked questions. That’s what kids were meant to do.

“She’s sick,” Lou had said. Sure, that was watering the situation down a bit- she was sick- but he couldn’t tell Cole that his mother was dying from cancer. 

“Well,” Cole scoffed, climbing into the chair beside his dad, “she’s been sick for a while. She won’t be sick for much longer, right, Dad?” 

Cole smiled up at him, so confident that his mother could overcome whatever illness she was battling. 

“No, she won’t be,” Lou replied, closing his eyes. “She’s not gonna be sick for much longer, buddy.” The worst part was that he had told Cole the truth. 

When Lilly passed, Lou had taken Cole by the shoulders, looked him in the eyes, and said, “Just promise me that you will follow her, Cole.”

It would be a while until Cole really understood what his father meant by that.

* * *

“That’s it,” Kai groaned. “We were supposed to start training fifteen minutes ago and he’s still not here.”   
“It’s even weirder considering Cole’s never late,” Nya piped up, concern growing on her face. “And, come to think of it, I haven’t seen Sensei this morning either.”

Zane, Jay, and Lloyd exchanged glances- Kai and Nya had made excellent points. It was extremely rare for Cole to ever miss any kind of training without a super valid excuse; even if he was puking up his guts, he would still make some attempt to train, much to the disapproval of everyone else.

And on top of Cole’s absence, there was Sensei’s, too. But...it was pretty normal for Wu not to tell them about his whereabouts,  _ or anything at all,  _ for that matter.

“I say we just start training,” Jay suggested, grabbing his nunchucks. “Knowing Cole, he’s probably been here this entire time and just hasn’t said anything,” he smiled before adding with a shrug, “...or is absolutely deathly sick and is passed out delirious in some alleyway right now.”

Everyone stared at the blue ninja before the back of Nya’s hand met his face.

“Ow,” Jay giggled and rubbed his cheek. “I was  _ kid _ ding _. _ He’s probably fine, but I’ll text him to make sure. Let’s just get on with this.”

Sparring went on as normal, and the morning dragged by with no intimation of catastrophe at all. The blistering March heat of the training deck was normal, the laughs shared between each of the ninja- it was all normal, with the exception of Cole’s absence. 

Barely any time had passed and training was already over. 

Jay checked his phone after downing the rest of his water. “See?” he motioned to the screen, waving the rest of the team over. “Cole said  _ ‘Sensei asked me to spend the morning with him in Ninjago City. Sorry. Should have told you.’  _ He’s fine.”

“We knew he was fine, dumbass,” Nya giggled. She tossed an arm around Lloyd, who quickly added, “He always is...” before walking inside the monastery to prepare lunch. Zane and Kai had already headed inside, likely to prepare whatever delicious lunch the nindroid was planning on cooking...it was normal.

The blue ninja watched as the two made their way inside, before glancing down at Cole’s message. Rereading the reply, Jay bit his lip.  _ He’s fine,  _ he reminded himself, _ he always is.  _

It was just so unusual for Cole to not tell anyone where he was going, regardless if Sensei went with him or not- that much Jay could not ignore.

He also couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in his gut that something was wrong, even as he shut his phone off and joined the rest of his team inside for lunch. Plus, Cole would probably be back soon anyway, so he could just ask him in person then.

Because Cole was fine. He always was.

* * *

Talking to Wu, Cole had concluded, was like dancing. It was a balance. One of them began the conversation and the other had to match the graceful energy. Honestly, Cole couldn’t really explain it, but Wu was such a present force in his life- much like dancing- that somehow, if Cole thought about how to make a friendly conversation with Wu, it was so much easier to think of it like dancing.

Wu had asked to accompany Cole on what  _ should _ have been a routine health check-up at Borg Industries,  _ and _ he had asked him not to tell anyone about it. And, granted, their sensei  _ had _ always been a mysterious person who kept to himself, but this was just out of the ordinary, even for a ninja with otherworldly powers. 

The black ninja got up early in that morning, the bright glare of his alarm clock not yet reading 7 a.m. As quietly as possible, he brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, careful not to wake any of his sleeping teammates. Normally, Zane would have breakfast waiting for them- a small part of Cole wished that he should have told the nindroid about where he was going so he wouldn’t worry, but Wu seemed pretty adamant about the secrecy of the whole ordeal. 

Maybe he should wake Zane...just to tell him goodbye...or so Zane could make breakfast...

No. Cole wasn’t hungry anyway.

He slipped on a pair of running shoes, met Wu in the courtyard of the monastery, and made his way towards his vehicle. It was just a routine check-up anyways, he’d be back before the rest of the team likely even began the day’s training. 

Wu sat in the passenger seat of Cole’s car, with a long face and sad eyes. Cole wondered what that was about- being sad was no way to start a dance. 

“Um,” Cole prompted as he started the car, “I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but why did you need to come along?”

Being Wu’s oldest student and knowing him for almost seven years meant that the black ninja knew his sensei  _ really _ well and he could read him rather easily. Cole knew something was wrong, but he supposed that it would be Wu’s choice to tell him or not, and Wu never really told him much. 

As if frightened by Cole’s words, Wu straightened. “I just need to talk to Cyrus. No need to worry.”

Unfortunately, if Cole had not been worried earlier, he  _ certainly _ was now, because anytime Wu told them not to worry there was something wrong and they should definitely be worrying. Cole had questions, but he decided to leave the conversation at that. “Okay,” he said. He would get his answer in due time. Borg Industries wasn’t that far away from the monastery, anyway. 

The rest of the car ride and Wu only made Cole worry even more. He was just being weird, oddly sentimental, and reflective, even more so than usual. 

This was a routine check-up. Cole was eighteen years old, and besides spring allergies, which were normal, he was fine. FSM, he was acting like Jay now. He was fine. He always was.

Still, even as he parked the car at the base of Borg Tower and made his way to the entrance, he couldn’t ignore the wild beating in his chest and the nervousness that crept its way into the back of his mind, all because his master wanted to go with him to a physical.

Cole held the main door open for Wu before following him inside. Wu made a flippant motion with his hand and smiled, “I’m going to talk to Mr. Borg first, then you can do what you need to do.”

Okay. That was fine. Cole would just wait for him.

Wu made his way across the building to the little medical bay, reeking of guilt. He should have told Cole...he had a very bad feeling about today. He entered the medical bay, where Cyrus was already waiting.

“Hello, Co- why, hello, Wu. What a pleasant surprise. Is Cole here?”

Wu sat down in the chair beside the CEO. “Yes, he is. Do you mind if I talk to you about something first?”

Cyrus smiled warmly. “Of course not. What is it?”

Wu wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. About each night for the past few weeks, he had seen visions-  _ terrible _ visions- of Cole very very sick.

He decided to start out vague. “I have been having a few dreams,” he said, and seeing Cyrus’ perplexed face, he continued, “and during meditations, I have heard of some foretellings...” He trailed off, stroking his beard. Perhaps this was not the best way to start the conversation.

Wu furrowed his wrinkled brow, fixating his gaze on the floor just in front of his friend. “Do you know what happened to Cole’s mother?”

Cyrus’ expression had quickly changed from that of a welcoming invitation to cold and unreadable. “I am afraid I do not know the whole story. I do know she has passed from cancer,” he frowned.   
“She had lung cancer- she died when Cole was eleven. I am afraid...” Wu’s breath caught in his throat, unable to finish the thought. “I am afraid that perhaps, since Cole is genetically susceptible to this particular disease, he may...would you mind running a few tests?”

Wu knew Cyrus was a genius and was capable of putting two and two together.

“Of course not. I will...let you know.”

Wu turned to leave, thanking Cyrus with a smile, but the man with the wheelchair stopped him. 

“Wu,” he reassured, “Cole is a healthy boy. It’s likely you’re just having bad dreams,” he said, almost animatedly. 

Wu nodded and thanked him again. He wanted to believe him.

From his chair in the lobby, Cole had turned into a nervous mess. Wu was taking too long to talk to Cyrus. Something was up, something was wrong, he could talk to Cyrus  _ any _ day, why today?

He ran a hand through his hair and shakily exhaled. His phone began to vibrate from his pocket and he silently thanked the FSM for the distraction.

**[From: motormouth]**

**_Where r u?_ **

Oh,  _ great. _ Now he had to lie, all because Wu wanted to keep a routine check-up a secret.

**[To: motormouth]**

**_sensei asked me to spend the morning with him in ninjago city. sorry. should have told you_ **

That wasn’t a total lie. He pressed send and waited anxiously for a response, but it never came; he supposed the others must have begun the day’s training.

He was supposed to be back by now.

As if on command, Wu exited the medical bay and motioned for Cole to come over, with a smile on his face that seemed a  _ little  _ to wide to be genuine. 

_ Thank God,  _ he prayed. 

He greeted Cyrus most amicably and pretended to be completely unaware of his solemn expression. 

“I am going to start with just some routine blood work,” Cyrus had disclosed. Unluckily for Cyrus, Cole wasn’t stupid. He knew having blood drawn like this wasn’t routine, only furthering any notion of anxiety that he already had. 

To satisfy some of Cole’s anxiety, the rest of the check-up proceeded as normal. The only minor problem Mr. Borg had taken issue with was that Cole had lost a little weight, which the ninja immediately chalked up to exercising and training more often. Cyrus didn’t seem convinced, but Cole pretended he was.

And finally, the physical was coming to a close- one last thing. Cyrus put the stethoscope to Cole’s chest, and frowned ever so slightly. “Take a big deep breath in for me, please,” he commanded.

The black ninja did as he was told, but would not have been lying if he had said he did not feel the tiniest bit of pain the longer he inhaled.

Cyrus seemed to notice, too, but thankfully did not comment on the matter.

“Alright!” Mr. Borg finished with a smile. “I’m going to go examine your blood test results, nothing much. You stay put.” He pat Cole on the back and wheeled himself out the door, more cheery than when Cole had first begun his physical. 

Cyrus’ happy facade faded as soon as he was sure he had evaded Cole’s sight. Weight loss, the breathing...

He met Wu in the lobby and made an expression that asked the sensei to follow him. “I’m afraid there is a small chance you may be right,” he said darkly. “Lung cancer like you think he may have- it is vicious. If it’s already in his blood, then...well...I’m afraid there’s not much anyone can do. But chances are he does not have cancer at all, Wu.”

Wu wished he could have believed him.

When they made their way to the lab where the blood results were, Cyrus explained one more thing that made Wu’s stomach knot. 

“If cancer cells  _ are _ in his blood, that means it is small cell lung cancer. Small cell is not normally found until the extensive stage due to its lack of pre-symptoms, and it is normally found doing blood work like this after the cancer has already spread to his lymph nodes. If it is small cell...then we will have to talk about that later. But like I said- small cell is rare, and chances are he does not even have cancer.”

Chances were wrong. Cloud Kingdom did not treat the ninja kindly.

Small cell lung cancer, just like his mother had. Wu would have to watch another member of the Brookestone family suffer all the same.

* * *

Cole was silent as he rode in the passenger seat back to the monastery. He was silent as he completely ignored all of his friends eating lunch in the dining room, even when they called him over and told him that he had worried them for a moment and that they missed him, as he made his way straight to his room.

The master of earth flopped down onto his bed. 

_ “Small cell lung cancer does not respond to treatment; it has already spread into your bloodstream, and you’re lucky we even found it this early. The more it progresses, the more it spreads, the effects will get worse and worse...” _ Cyrus’ words replayed in his head, over and over again, but the thing was, Cole had listened to approximately none of them.

Because he knew already. His mother had small cell lung cancer. He had already faced this battle once, but this time, he knew he couldn’t win.

Cole closed his eyes and groaned.

_ “Extensive stage small cell lung cancer...six to twelve months left...genetically predisposed...nothing we can do except treatments to ease the pain...runs in the family...” _

No, no, no, no. He felt fine.

_ “There aren’t many symptoms, some people don’t even find out they have it until the side effects are so bad they are permanently in the hospital...” _

Just like your mother. And now you have to put your friends through this too. 

And it dawned on Cole, as he was lying in his room all alone, that his friends were going to watch him die. 

He couldn’t tell them about this yet. 

* * *

Zane very rarely dreamt. 

When he did, though, they were  _ prophetic _ dreams, which was kinda cool except mostly they foretold bad things. Whether this was a byproduct of his elemental powers or not, he did not care. 

But the dream he had last night was just weird.

_ Zane was sitting on a bench at night, somewhere very high up. He knew it was cold, but he didn’t feel anything. He was looking at the city, and in his arms was Cole. _

_ Except...it wasn’t his Cole. _

_ This dream-Cole was tiny, shivering, sickly, and gray. His bones were practically visible. But...he was in Zane’s arms. _

_ Dream-Cole looked up at him, and said “You remind me…”  _

_ It was painfully obvious to Zane that Cole struggled immensely just to say those words. _

_ “...of the moon,” dream-Cole finished. _

And that was all.

Just yesterday had Cole returned from his spontaneous morning outing with Wu and then had proceeded to ignore them for the rest of the day. Something was wrong.

Zane would not have considered himself a pragmatist. But while he was empathetic, he was perceptive, which meant that occasionally practical consideration outweighed other human ideals. He kept telling himself that if anything were wrong, Cole would have told them, but he also knew that wasn’t true in the slightest. Cole wasn’t exactly one to let the others know about any personal issues he has had...ever.

If Zane were going to figure out what was wrong, he probably wasn’t going to hear it from Cole himself. But his dream, along with Cole’s recently unusual behavior, told him that something was desperately and hopelessly wrong, and especially since it involved Cole, he needed to find out.

Perhaps he could find out over breakfast. 

Zane stumbled out of bed and made his way to the kitchen to fix breakfast, the soft light of the beautiful morning sunrise illuminating the monastery’s kitchen...and Cole.

Cole was already in the kitchen, and he was shaking, barely audible whimpers escaping his form. He looked up and met Zane’s eyes, his own rimmed with red and dark circles underneath them.

Zane sat down in the chair beside him, unsure of what to say or do. Cole very rarely was ever this vulnerable, but comforting happened to be Zane’s specialty. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?” he whispered, still shocked at the sight of his brother like this.

“I can’t, Zane.” 

Zane offered a small smile and placed his own hand on Cole’s. “You can tell me anything, Cole. I will not tell the others if it means that much to you.”

Cole remained silent, staring at his friend sitting beside him. A small tear escaped the earth ninja’s eye and rolled down his face before he pulled his hand away from Zane’s and wiped it quickly.

“Or you don’t have to tell me, that is up to you,” Zane backtracked, sensing that he may have struck a nerve. “We have all the time in the world, so you can tell me whenever.”

Cole froze.

“Did I say something wrong?” 

“That’s the thing, Zane,” Cole blurted, though his voice was weaker than before. “We don’t have that much time. A year, max.”

The master of earth put his head in his hands and rested his arms on the table, before adding, “I’m sick, Zane. I’m really sick.”

_ I’m sick. _ The dream-Cole looked near death. This sickness...

Before he knew it, a small tear rolled down Zane’s face, too. “Just talk,” the nindroid said gently, rubbing Cole’s back. “And I will do my best to listen.”

So Cole did. As the sun rose, he explained everything, and how it was just the same sickness that took his mom, and now it was gonna take him too. He explained that it had already spread from his lungs to his blood, because the symptoms of this cancer were not easily identifiable, so it was already in the final- the ‘extensive’- stage. He explained how he had a year at most left to live. He explained that when his mother was sick, she would cough up blood daily, she would sleep through most days, and she stopped eating. 

Being a nindroid, Zane knew everything about small cell lung cancer already, but he let Cole talk. He held Cole as he cried, and then when he himself cried, too.

“But I’m not gonna cry about it anymore after today,” Cole told Zane. “So you don’t either. And...please don’t tell the others. Not yet, at least.”

Zane just nodded and forced a smile. “I’m going to fix breakfast, so eat if you’re hungry. Stay with me?”

“I’ll stay. Thanks, Zane.”

* * *

Cole sat idly at his room’s desk, doodling a rough sketch in his journal. After his talk with Zane that morning, he felt...better. He had cried himself out and promised not to feel sad anymore. 

He looked down and frowned at his drawing. He was drawing Zane, wanting to get his features just right, but something was off-

Cole was distracted from his concentration as there was a soft knock at his door. Before he could answer, it swung open to reveal Sensei Wu. 

...no. Cole wasn’t in the mood to dance. He didn’t wanna talk. 

“Will you follow me?” Wu asked, but phrased it more as a command. He guessed he didn’t have a choice, so he dropped his pencil, leaving the half drawn sketch to sit on his table, and stood to follow Wu. 

Cole followed his master to the courtyard, where the sun was already beginning to set. He had spent the entire day avoiding everyone again, save for Zane that morning.

“They’re starting to get suspicious, Cole,” Wu reminded him. He put a hand on his student’s shoulder. “How are you holding up?”

Truthfully? Not well. He was the foundation of the team, he was the rock, the others came to  _ him  _ to help, not the other way around, and now the foundation was crumbling. 

Instead of telling Wu all that, he just chose the easy way out. “Better,” he replied. “I told Zane this morning.”

“And when do you plan to tell the others?”

“I’m...not sure yet,” he mumbled. “I know I’ll tell them soon. And I know they’re wondering why I’m not at training, and why I’m avoiding them, but-”

“But they love you, Cole,” Wu interrupted. “It will just hurt  _ them _ more the longer you wait.”

Cole thought for a moment and ran a hand through his hair. Yeah, Wu was right, and he hated that. 

“I’ll tell them tonight, then.”

Dinner came and passed, and Jay noticed Zane give Cole a bunch of concerned looks throughout the meal. Jay could excuse Cole avoiding them for one day, but not only after he skipped out on training  _ again _ this morning and then proceeded to avoid them the rest of this day too, he knew something was up.

“Sooo,” the blue ninja whistled, drawing attention to himself as he gave Cole a playful glare. “Are you gonna tell me what’s up, or will I have to pry it out of Zane?”

Cole reddened. He couldn’t tell them now, he hadn’t mentally prepared, plus this was supper, it wasn’t like he could just drop this on them now, oh god-

“That’s very humorous, Jay,” Zane saved him, casting a glance in his direction. “But are you sure  _ you’re  _ alright? Normally your jokes are much funnier than that.”

Of course, Jay immediately moved to defend himself, and before anyone could have seen it coming a high-spirited argument erupted at the dinner table. Jay seemed to have forgotten his previous question and dinner was finished quickly- Cole really would have to thank Zane later for that.

After dinner, Cole was just going to head back to his room, do some quick emotional prep, then tell the others, really; he intended to keep his vow to Wu. 

But of course, nothing had been going his way for the past two days. As he was just entering his room, Jay, with everyone else behind him, caught his arm.

He cleared his throat and a look of true sincerity crossed his face. “Hey, I was serious though. Are you ok?” 

Seeing Cole’s almost  _ scared _ expression, Jay explained himself. “You’ve just been acting super weird lately, that’s all.”

“Um,” he stammered. He was doing this now, there was no getting out of it this time. “You all should sit down.”

Kai, Lloyd, Nya, Jay, and a very exasperated looking Zane entered his room and all found places to sit. Jay sat at his desk where the half-finished sketch from earlier still lay on display for him to look at.

In an effort to fill the silence, Jay asked, “what are you drawing now?”

Cole quickly snatched the notebook away. “None of your business.” That was private anyways and he was about to make them all cry, so showing them a half-done sketch of Zane probably wasn’t very appropriate- especially a  _ bad _ drawing of Zane.

“You should let us see your sketchbook,” Kai joked, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Haha,” he mocked. “Over my dead body.” Zane shot him a  _ very _ dark look.

Cole smiled, enjoying Zane’s little physical cues. “Uh, anyway, about that...”

Zane stood. “Good grief, Cole,” he put his hand to his forehead, “that’s how you are gonna start this?”

“Wait!” Nya interrupted, “Whatever this is about, Zane already knows?”

“Yeah,” Cole said sheepishly. “Can you all let me finish?”

After everyone settled and sat back down, Cole clasped his hands. _ Ok,  _ he assured.  _ Here goes. _ He took in a small breath. “I got diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday.”

Cole was met with silence and shocked faces. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t have said that so bluntly,” Zane softly suggested from his seat in the corner.

Lloyd blinked slowly. “W-What?” 

“I…” Cole closed his eyes and exhaled lightly. “It’s the same kind my mom had, must be genetic.”

“But you’ll be better, right? They can do treatment and stuff? Chemo?” Lloyd stumbled over his words, his hands moving wild and desperate. The other ninja just stood, mouth agape, with nothing to say.

_ And now it was time for the final blow. _

“There’s nothing they can do.” 

* * *

A month passed, slowly but surely, and Cole began to notice some changes about himself. 

For one, he  _ really _ enjoyed drawing. Not being able to train or go on any missions meant that he got to spend more time with himself, doing new things and practicing old hobbies. He knew he was a fairly skilled artist and that he had enjoyed drawing for a few years, but now he had the time to paint and experiment a little.

Also, with his weekly trips to Borg Tower for check-ins and treatment, he got to visit more places in the city. He particularly liked this one coffee shop less than a block from the tower, but he didn’t tell anyone, because god forbid Wu ever learn that Cole preferred coffee to tea.

And then there were some  _ less _ good changes. 

He was out of breath easily, “when you’re hungry” turned into “if you’re hungry,” and he began to cough. Conditional statements like “if you’re hungry” also meant that he was beginning to lose more weight. Though he was fairly certain he could still outweigh everyone on the team, he wasn’t sure how much longer that would last.

Another change was that it  _ hurt _ . If he laughed for too long, his lungs ached so terribly with a burning that Cole had never really felt anything like before. He hadn’t cried since the day after his diagnosis, with Zane, but he was sure that if he cried, it would hurt too. If he took a very deep breath, the pain in his lungs would worsen, until he was forced to exhale and had to spend at least five minutes taking shallow breaths that made his head spin.

The last change that was undoubtedly a  _ good  _ change was that he spent a lot more time with Zane outside of watching him train. He and Zane would go to the park sometimes, just to walk, or sit on the bench and watch the scenery. 

(Zane made a mental note that the park’s bench was not the bench he had seen in his dream a month ago.)

The master of ice  _ also _ took it upon himself to check up on Cole on his own. In the monastery’s med bay, Zane would do little weekly check-ups, ask how much pain he felt on a ten-point scale, just little stuff like that; still, Cole saw it more as an excuse to spend time with one another, and he enjoyed the company.

Cole realized he really liked Zane and Zane alone’s presence. Not that he didn’t a month ago, but something was just different now. He liked to talk to Zane- even as the rock of the team, he felt like he could be open with him. Zane more frequently visited Cole’s room just to  _ talk, _ which was nice. 

One day, as Cole lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and Zane sat at the base of his bed, Cole asked him, “What’s the worst pain you’ve ever been in?”

Zane laughed and turned to face Cole from the floor. “Do you mean physically or emotionally? Because I have a lot of trauma the Ninjago writers have left unresolved,” he pointed out.

“Hm,” Cole thought for a moment. “Either one. Mine was when I fell from the bounty during the Oni thing and basically died.”

“I think the worst pain I’ve ever been in was when I got blasted to the Never Realm,” Zane answered. “Not because it hurt, but because I was so afraid for so long that I would never get to see you again.”

Cole wasn’t sure how to respond. Zane’s sentiment was so sweet, but it reminded him…

He turned back to staring at the ceiling and suddenly regretted ever asking the question. Perhaps Zane would change the subject.

“What’s wrong?” Zane stood and now sat on Cole’s bed, beside the earth master’s prone form.

“I- it’s just,” Cole looked at him, “when...you know, I’m gone, I don’t want you to hurt like that. I don’t want you to ever hurt, Zane.”

_ Oh. _ Zane’s lips parted in realization, and he wanted to reassure Cole that he wouldn’t hurt the same, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to Cole like that. When Cole... _ died… _ he would hurt just the same, and probably worse because he knew this time there was no traveler’s tea to save them.

“Don’t cry,” Cole said, sitting up and placing a hand on Zane’s shoulder.

The nindroid hadn’t even realized he was crying. But now, tears welled in his eyes, and a lump formed in his throat. “Why not?” He asked innocently. “Maybe it will help.”

“If you cry then I might cry, and I promised myself I wouldn’t wallow in self-pity anymore.”

“Don’t you think it would be good if you cried?”

Cole let out a shaky breath. “It hurts when I cry,” was all he remarked, and that was the end of it. 

* * *

Four months had passed since his diagnosis, and his condition got worse. Cole, stubborn as he was, though, tried not to let it show. 

Everyone saw  _ straight _ through his facade, but let him act all tough. 

The past three months’ new changes were that his powers had basically gone dormant, which didn’t really matter, because he wasn’t using them anyway...though, admittedly, it had been very hard on him when he found out. 

Another bad change was that he was rapidly getting weaker and smaller; Cole chose not to focus on that much of it. 

He coughed more often, too, but his weekly trips to Borg Industries where he was given medicine and some weird radio-treatment remedied that slightly.

Some good changes were that Jay had finally shut the fuck up around him sometimes. 

_ (He was kidding about that much. Cole actually really liked it when Jay talked to him, though he would never say that to his face, lest his ego get the better of the little master of lightning.) _

Jay now listened to every word Cole said, almost savoring them, because now Cole didn’t speak as much.

Much like the day with Zane almost a month ago, Cole was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and Jay sat on the floor beside his bed, flipping through a manga.

“So four times,” Cole remarked after a while.

Jay looked up at him. “What?”

“I’m gonna die four times. Who else gets to say that they’ve died more than once? It’s kinda cool.”

“No,” Jay deadpanned, “It’s- it’s the opposite of cool. It’s terrible. And I doubt you’ve  _ died _ or whatever three times already.”

“Sounds like someone’s sad they don’t get to be in my all-new resurrection club,” Cole waved his hand. Jay was glaring daggers at Cole, but the blue ninja knew subconsciously his brother was right...and it hurt.

“And yeah, I have died three times.” The earth ninja held up a hand. “Ghost was one,” he lifted a finger, “and I dunno if my fall during the Oni thing counts since technically I lived, but I’m gonna count it as a death-”

“-your heart stopped beating, Cole, you died-”

“See?” he smiled. “Then the third time was in Prime Empire.”

Jay’s face contorted with a dreadful look.

“Four,” Cole drew in a breath, making it last as long as possible, while his lungs still were able to expand and fill with air. “My death count is going on four.”

Jay flinched. “Just shut up. Please.”

“Jealous, are we?” 

“Okay,” Jay chuckled, “maybe a little.” And then Jay was laughing, and then Cole, and Jay started laughing some more because  _ holy shit Cole was smiling and laughing _ and he hadn’t heard that noise in so long.

But just as soon as Cole was laughing, he wasn’t. He was coughing.

Jay immediately silenced and rushed to his side. 

_ “The best thing to do when he gets into a coughing fit is just supporting him,” Zane had said after they first learned of Cole’s illness and Zane was explaining what to expect. _

And that’s what he did. He rubbed circles in Cole’s back, until he stopped, and was taking small breaths.

“Are you okay?” Jay asked, even though it was pretty redundant. In response, Cole held out the hand he had coughed into, and little splatters of red dotted his dark skin. 

Jay hugged him tightly. Zane had also told them that once Cole started coughing up blood, he didn’t have much time left.

* * *

Five months since the diagnosis and Cole was not holding up well. 

“It’s so hard to talk...without losing my breath,” he told Zane one day during a mini check-up. “And I’m tired all the time. I...don’t think I will wake up early enough...to watch you all train anymore.”

“That’s okay,” Zane said. “But I will miss your company.”

The rest of the physical was conducted normally, but when the nindroid finally weighed Cole, his eyes widened, and it did not go unnoticed. 

“One hundred and four,” Zane blinked. He fiddled with the pen for a while before hastily writing down the number on a sheet of paper.

From his seat on the medical bay’s stretcher, Cole looked up.

“Is that bad?”

“Yes.”

“But it was going to happen anyway, I assume.”

Zane closed his eyes. “ _ Yes,” _ he sighed. “Losing weight is a side effect of…”

“Of cancer.”

“Yes.” Zane eyed the sheet of paper a little while longer before asking, “How much does it hurt?”

“I’ve been in much worse pain. So seven.”

The nindroid still held the pen in his hand, mindlessly tapping it against the surface of the table, where Cole’s most recent weight-  _ only one hundred and four pounds- _ was scribbled. He could feel the earth ninja’s gaze still lingering on him, as if expecting him to speak some more.

Zane didn’t want to talk anymore. He did anyway.

“You know that, correct? You know weight loss is a side effect?” Zane asked, eyes still glued on the pen in his hand. Honestly, the ice ninja was not expecting a response from his friend. He expected him to brush it off, as if his rapid weight loss and worsening side effects of lung cancer were absolutely nothing. He would continue with his “ _ I still need to protect my friends” _ facade and pretend like everything was fine when it totally wasn’t.

“Well…” Cole looked down and cupped his face in his hands. “I didn’t look into the side effects. I don’t wanna know, Zane. It’s not like knowing them is...gonna change the outcome of my life, you know?”

Zane completely expected a response like this and yet it totally caught him off guard. The titanium ninja simply waited in the silence for a while, before speaking quietly.

“You know,” he said, finally meeting eyes with the other ninja, “when you were the leader, you would stay up all night researching plans. You loved to know things. You always wanted to know exactly what would happen at any given moment.”

Cole shrugged. “I guess...I’m just not much of a leader anymore, aren’t I?”

Zane would have responded with some sappy and emotional response like  _ of course you are _ , and he knew Cole was still a leader. He  _ knew _ that. Why couldn’t he say it?

Zane opened his mouth to say something but instead was interrupted by a certain red ninja who came bursting into the med bay, bounding with excitement. 

Kai leaned against the doorway, out of breath from presumably running across the monastery to the room. “How do you all feel about movie night tonight? Pixal said she’d bring popcorn,” he panted. 

Zane glanced at Cole and eyed him as if to say  _ are you up for it? _ Cole nodded and began to stand up. “I’m down,” he looked away from Zane. “If…” he trailed off, regaining his breath from standing on his own. “...you all want to.”

“Of course I do, Kai.” Zane was immediately at the side of the earth ninja, careful to catch him if anything went wrong. He was so weak,  _ so frail _ , it was so painful to watch him struggle like this...was a movie night really the best idea?

_ One hundred and four pounds...only one hundred and four pounds… _

“Great!” Kai clapped his hands together. “I’ll go get the stuff ready. Be thinking of a movie,” he winked and left the two with that.

After Kai left, Cole turned back to face Zane. He used to outdo the ice ninja in sheer size and force, but now, as the earth ninja’s gaunt eyes met with artificial ones, the crushing reality of how  _ sickly  _ Cole was came upon Zane. It crushed him.

But Cole seemed to read Zane’s mind. “I’ll be okay,” he reassured with a weak smile. “We haven’t had a m-movie night in so long…”

“I think I will help Pixal with popcorn if you’re okay with that,” Zane asked. Zane needed to spend some time away from Cole anyway- seeing him like this hurt, it hurt so much…

Cole nodded. “I’ll be in the TV room, then.”

Zane made sure Cole got to the room alright before finding Pixal in the kitchen.

“Can I help?” he asked with a small smile. 

“Anytime,” she reciprocated the smile back, before tossing him a bag of popcorn. 

Pixel hummed quietly to herself, watching the popcorn roast in the microwave. From the corner of her eye, she watched Zane absentmindedly open bags of popcorn and dump them in a bowl. His face held steady with no emotion, unusual for the other nindroid.

“Are you alright, Zane?”

He jerked up, his eyes almost as wide as baseballs. “I’m fine,” he lied through his teeth. Mentally, Zane scolded himself.  _ What was I thinking? No way would Pixal believe  _ that. _ She knows me too well. _

“Yeah,” she brought a hand to her hip, “I do not believe that. You cannot lie to me, Zane. I know you too well.”

_ Dammit. _

“I am alright, really,” he trailed off, wondering if he should actually tell Pixal about what Cole had said earlier. 

Pixal laughed it off and waved her hand. “Fine, then,” she said, turning back to the popcorn in the microwave, “Just tell me when you feel like it.”

Zane  _ felt _ like telling someone. Zane  _ felt _ like screaming. Zane  _ felt _ like crying and being angry and throwing this popcorn across the kitchen because  _ god dammit his friend was dying and there was nothing he could do about it. _

Instead, he just filled the bowl with popcorn and watched Pixal as she took the now full bag out of the microwave.

She handed Zane the bag and brushed his hand as she did. It was a small, comforting gesture, but it was a reassurance that he could talk to her. 

As Zane opened the bag and was about to pour the popcorn in, he froze. “Only one hundred and four,” he muttered. 

“What?”

“Cole. He weighs only one hundred and four pounds now.”

“Oh.” Pixal, to the best of her ability, wrinkled her face. Something rational in the back of her mind told her that this was inevitable- the most she could do was offer comfort. “I am sorry, Zane. I’m sorry he has to go through this and we have to-”

“That’s not all,” he interrupted, pouring the bag of popcorn into the bowl. “He said something weird today, too. He said he didn’t feel like a leader anymore.”

Pixal watched him intently for a moment, before clicking her tongue. “Understandably so.” Pixal’s eyes met Zane’s, who was staring at her with a disdainful and confused look.

“I too would not feel like a leader if I were in his position,” she explained. “Perhaps you should reassure him. Tell him how you feel. Let him know that you-  _ no, _ that we all value him and that he is a leader.”

_ Tell him how I feel?  _ Zane wasn’t sure that was a good idea.

“That would be my advice,” she offered. “Let’s go join the others. Wouldn’t want to keep them waiting on movie night!”

When the two arrived in the TV room, it was painfully obvious that they had  _ not _ decided on a movie to watch, judging from the playful banter coming from a few particular people.

“Thanks for the popcorn, Pix,” Kai smirked, taking the bowl and shoving a handful into his mouth.

“Hm-m,” Jay hummed, flipping through the disks. “Look.” He picked up a CD, holding it high in the air. “ _ The Fault in Our Stars.” _

“No,” sounded a chorus of replies, before Cole added quietly, “that’s a stupid movie.” Jay held up his hands in defense and smiled. “Kidding,  _ kidding. _ We don’t have that movie.” He studied the CD for a while, before announcing, “This CD is actually  _ Howl’s Moving Castle.” _

“I’ve never seen that,” Nya said from across the couch. “I’ve heard it’s good, though.”

“It is,” Cole responded. Lloyd snatched the disk from Jay’s hand and moved to put it in the TV’s player. “I loved this movie when I was a kid and just came here. And it is good. Let’s watch it,” he exclaimed. 

None of the ninjas objected, so Lloyd began the film.

As the movie began, Cole leaned his head onto Zane’s shoulder. “Just so you know...I’ll probably fall asleep,” he whispered, his voice so low it was barely audible. 

Zane didn’t say anything, but just adjusted his shoulders so that it was more accommodating to the black ninja’s body, and let the music of the movie fill the room. 

An hour into the movie and everyone was thoroughly engrossed. Kai had already drawn similarities between himself and Howl, the protagonist, much to the amusement of the others. 

“Kai,” Jay had laughed, “Just because this wizard guy has a magic fire too doesn’t mean you’re the same person.”

“And also, Howl’s pretty generous,” Nya chuckled.

“And kind,” Lloyd added with a smirk. 

“And good looking,” Zane said without missing a beat.

“But- I am kind and generous! And I am  _ hot! _ ”

The team erupted into laughter, and Cole wished he could join them so bad. He wanted to laugh- he really did- but it hurt to laugh, so he turned away from them from his position on the couch. He closed his eyes and tried to re-focus on the movie’s audio. Though he really couldn’t see many similarities between Kai and Howl, he saw some striking similarities between himself and the protagonist of  _ Howl’s Moving Castle. _

(And, if you have watched the Studio Ghibli film, then you would know this is not a good thing).

Cole felt a wave of tiredness wash over him, drowning the thought out. Instead, he simply leaned his head back onto Zane and let sleepiness take its course.

Another hour later and the movie was over. The master of ice found himself the only awake soul in the room, surrounded by the soft sleeping sounds of his family. He looked down at the slumped figure leaning against him, and for a moment he thought Cole might actually be awake. He couldn’t tell- but Zane found this the perfect opportunity to say something on his mind.

“You know, Cole, I think you’re the strongest leader I’ll ever know,” he searched for the right words. “You’re…” the nindroid faltered, and suddenly every word on his tongue was stopped. There was so much he wanted to say- so much he wanted to tell Cole- and he  _ couldn’t. _ Pixal’s advice echoed in his head, and Zane drew in a breath, steadying his mind. “You are one of the bravest, strongest people ever. Do not doubt yourself. I...love you,” he smiled contentedly, before adding quickly, “um-we all do.” 

Cole squeezed Zane’s hand ever so lightly and the titanium ninja realized that his friend had heard everything he had said. 

* * *

In the following two weeks since movie night, Cole’s health had spiraled downward exponentially. All anybody else could do was just watch him become more and more sick, and knowing that soon he was going to die. 

After a long and emotionally draining so-called “ _ team meeting” _ that did not consist of Cole, the others had elected it was probably best he made the permanent move to the hospital room at Borg Industries. They had much better medical equipment to help lessen the pain, and this way they wouldn’t have to practically drag Cole to his weekly official check-ups at the tower.

When the rest of the team had told him that’s where he was going, Cole just brushed it off. “Okay,” he said. “Whatever...you all...say.” But really, he knew that once he moved, he would never see the monastery again. It totally crushed him- but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry almost five months ago and he intended to keep that promise.

Cole had only taken the very bare necessities to Borg Industries, even opting to leave his sketchbook, which he still insisted the others could not have much to the dismay of Jay and Kai in particular. 

Cyrus Borg had done everything in his power to make the room in which Cole was going to be moving to as accommodating as possible. There was a hospital bed in the center, and multiple medical machines to its side, but Cole was able to overlook that- large, comfortable chairs were also beside the bed, he supposed for his friends. A window to the bed’s left provided not a bad view of the city, too, so Cole could stare longingly at the coffee shop down the block he would never be able to visit again.

“Well?” Borg asked after showing the team around.

“It’s perfect,” Wu answered quickly. 

Yeah, Cole was going to have to make some major adjustments to living here, but he supposed he was going to be spending the majority of his time either tied down to the bed with all sorts of tubes and wires coming out of him or asleep anyways, so it didn’t matter much what he thought. Cyrus was being too kind, and Cole was really in no position to complain. 

* * *

From then on, Cole had good days and bad days. 

On the good days he would eat something on his own, he was able to talk with the others, he could stay awake for more than a few hours at a time, and he didn’t need the ventilator to breathe on his own.

But the bad days…no one liked the bad days.

Cole remembered when his mother had bad days. She was totally confined to whatever machinery the hospital had to offer, and it had made the then eleven-year-old master of earth nauseous, seeing his mother liked that. He remembered that she would cough up blood, and the persistent cough never left her, not until her final days. Cole’s bad days were similar.

Still though, even on his bad days, when asked about how much pain he felt on a ten-point scale, he would only say nine. On the good days, Cole was able to describe the pain.

_ “It feels like drowning...but in air.” “It feels like knives in my chest.” “I need to c-cough...but it hurts so bad…”  _ All of that, and still only a nine.

After three whole bad days in a row, a ray of hope had decided to bless the Brookestone boy and things may have begun to look up. Cole did not nearly suffocate himself into consciousness, which meant that it was probably going to be a good day. 

Zane was normally his first visitor on good days, so it wasn’t a surprise when the nindroid walked into his room at Borg Industries, asking how he felt and lively as ever. 

Cole twisted his neck to face the nindroid and their eyes met as he pushed himself into a sitting position. “Goodmorning.”

“Good morning, Cole. Sorry to have kept you waiting. How long have you been awake without anyone here?”

“I don’t know.” It was very common for Cole not to really have that good of a concept of time, sick or not. The titanium ninja was silent as he sat in the chair beside Cole’s bed, watching his friend’s chest rise and fall painfully slow. 

“How much does it hurt?” Zane queried, even though he knew the answer would be nine.

“Nine.”

Still, Zane’s body tensed when the words left Cole’s lips. “You can rate it a ten, you know,” he said quietly. He wished he wouldn’t rate it a ten, but something was preventing Cole from being honest, and Zane knew it.

“Ten means there is n-no worse pain,” he breathed heavily. 

“Are you afraid it will get worse than this?”

Cole didn’t respond, but both of them knew the answer was yes. Another silence fell between the two, Zane because he didn’t know what to say and Cole because he knew there was nothing to say. The slow and steady heart rate monitor and the black ninja’s rattling cough were the only noises in the quiet room.

After a while, Cole spoke up. “Will you take me...outside?”

Zane perked at the sound of Cole’s weak voice. Cole had the energy to go somewhere? He wanted to?

His lips parted and he wanted so badly to say  _ yes, _ that he would take Cole anywhere away from here, but he really said “No.” 

Seeing Cole’s hurt and rather devastated face, he decided to form some quick elaboration that put facts over his own feelings. “It is cold outside, and if you catch a cold, that could be very, very bad.”

“Please?”

Zane wanted to say okay. That he would take Cole wherever because there was going to come a time in the very near future when Cole was both physically unable and emotionally unwilling to be able to move anywhere. But  _ now- _ while he was having a good day and wanted to- Zane had to compromise, though logic argued against it.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Zane replied, calm and steady. “Eat something and then you may take the matter up with me.” 

Cole looked lost for a moment, then nodded. If anything, Zane had given him the determination and a task. He had always been competitive- eating food was just another battle he had to defeat on his own, and Zane had no doubt in his mind that Cole would do it.

It took Cole until 7 o’clock that night to finish a whole meal instead of just accepting whatever fluids the little IVs gave him, but he had done it, and Zane stuck by his side the whole time, because he knew that he was going to take Cole outside anyways. 

He had dreamt about it six months prior. Cole looked familiar today, and now he knew why.

This meant the nindroid now owed his friend a trip to the bench at the top of Borg Tower, but now the problem at hand was that somehow he would have to get Cole up there without letting anyone else know.

Zane wrapped his friend in a blanket, unhooked him from a few machines, and scooped him up into his arms in a swift motion. He was so light in the nindroid’s metal arms it took him aback, and Zane knew he would certainly not have been able to scoop his friend up like this with so much ease six months ago.

Zane carefully avoided any areas where Cyrus may have been- he took back stairwells and out-of-route hallways to sneak Cole to the roof of the building.

But Cole’s face-  _ oh, _ his face when they finally made it outside- Zane would take every back stairwell in the world just to see that happy expression again.

Cole had smiled, and he had maybe laughed, too. Zane made his way to the singular bench that faced the city, overlooking its lights and in the direct path of the early night’s moonlight. 

A familiar bench, but one that he had only seen in a dream.

Zane gently set his friend down on the bench, then took the seat beside him. He wrapped his arms around the sick boy, most definitely to keep Cole warm and to protect him from the chill breeze and not for any other reason whatsoever. 

The giant full moon illuminated Cole’s wide eyes in the night, and Zane perceived his expression only to be that equal to a puppy being pet for the first time.

“Ninjago City is beautiful, isn’t it?” Zane said, gaze torn between the city and his friend at his side. Cole hummed in response. It was a beautiful, chilly November evening, perfectly accompanying the bright lights of the city below. The best view was undoubtedly here.

Cole shifted in Zane’s hold, and for a moment Zane feared something was wrong. Panic shot through him, and immediately he regretted taking him up here. But instead, Cole spoke up. “You remind me...of the moon.”

Ah, there it was. He had dreaded the day he would hear those words again.

But Zane just smiled and pulled Cole tighter, until the latter fell asleep on the ice ninja’s shoulder. Zane then waited even a while longer to take Cole back inside, because he knew this was likely the last time he would get to be outside ever again.

* * *

The day that began the exact same, two weeks after the adventure to the roof of the tower. Cole drifted into some semblance of consciousness, even if he didn’t show it, and endured the same silent suffering he had been for the past few months. 

For a while, Cole just lay in the bed, unmoving, but what was different was that he made no effort to even try and gather the strength to open an eye. He knew someone else was in the room, probably Zane, Wu, or maybe even Cyrus himself, and they were probably just watching him lay there, all pathetic and dying. This was definitely going to be a  _ bad _ day.

He briefly wondered what he looked like. Maybe one day he would get muster strength to sketch himself. Definitely not, but he lied to himself like that anyway.

The person in the room shifted, and Cole decided to open his eyes in a valiant burst of fortitude.

Lilly Brookestone, just as Cole remembered her, sat seated in the chair beside his bed.

“Mom?” Cole found that speaking came easily now-  _ and was he breathing on his own now, too? _

Lily didn’t say anything yet, instead moving her hand to the rough hollows of her son’s cheek. She smiled warmly, and Cole felt his pain subside. 

The former earth ninja stroked his face, over and over, in such a comforting and nostalgic manner that Cole momentarily forgot he was tied to a hospital and not in his childhood home.

“I’ve missed you more than you could ever know, Cole.”

He had forgotten what her voice sounded like- it was warm, inviting, but sad. Why was he sad again?

“I’ve missed you so much, and there’s so much you won’t get to do. This is my fault and I’m sorry. I’m taking you from your friends too soon.”

Without missing a beat, Cole spoke with newfound ease. “No, no,” he replied quickly. “This isn’t your fault, Mom. Don’t think that, please.”

His mother offered another gentle smile and nodded. The two sat in each other’s presence for a while- and that was enough.

Finally, Lilly looked back down to her son, though her hands still cupped around his face. “You know, your stubborn father didn’t let me do anything when I reached the stage you’re at now,” she flinched, “so tell me. Is there anything you want to do?”

Cole thought for a moment. He wanted lots of things; he wanted most things for his friends, though. What did he really want for himself?

“Will you write me a letter?” Yes, that was what he wanted.

“Of course. Tell me what to write.”

Cole recited a transcription of the letter without feeling any pain. 

“That’s a very nice letter you wrote, Cole.”

“I wrote it?”

“Yes, you did, love. I watched you.” Lilly was quiet for a moment, studying her son’s gaze, before adding, “Is there anything else you want to do?”

“If I follow you like Dad said, will I feel like this all the time?”

“You mean free? So where you don’t feel the drowning any more?”

Cole hesitated.  _ Free _ was exactly what he meant- he wasn’t sure if it was exactly what he needed.

He was positive it was not what his friends needed, but that didn’t stop him from responding with a “yes.”

“Then follow me, Cole,” the mother said. She grabbed his hands, holding them tight in her own before pressing a gentle kiss into each palm. “Follow me.”

All Cole could do was nod, for the lump in his throat prevented him from speaking any more. He let his mother embrace him now, and tears spilled freely from her eyes as his heart began to beat faster, but in the desperate kind of way; not in the terminal cancer kind of way. Still, he did not cry.

“I’ll follow you.”

But if anyone were to look into Cole’s hospital right now, all they would see would be a dying boy hooked up to machines, not writing any letter, not following, and not free. They would most certainly not see Lilly Brookestone.

* * *

Wu met Cyrus just outside Cole’s door. 

“I’m not sure precisely how much longer he has,” Cyrus said, face so sullen and dark it may have single-handedly killed Cole. He cleared his throat, sadness obviously creeping its way into his voice. “But I would say a week at most.”

“I see,” was all Wu said in response. He placed his hand on the door handle, before looking back at Cyrus. “You have been too kind to our team. I do not know how to repay you.”

“It’s the least I can do for a friend in need.”

The sensei began to turn the door’s handle, before quipping, “May I?”

Borg wheeled his wheelchair to face away from the door. “By all means,” he said with a forced smile. “Spend as much time with him as possible.” Wu nodded and pushed his way into his own student’s deathbed.

The thing was, Cole had heard every bit of the two’s conversation. But he  _ knew _ that he had a week left. Honestly, he figured he had less, but even if he were able to say anything about that to anyone he wouldn’t have. 

The master of earth watched as his sensei sat down in the chair beside his bed, the same one he supposed his mother had occupied a while earlier.

Cole could hear the music play. The dance was beginning.

“You are just like your mother, Cole,” Wu said. “In every way.”

Cole couldn’t find the will to respond out loud. He let Wu take the lead in the dance.

“She was strong, like you, through the very end, but I am sure you know that just as well as I. Probably more so.”

Wu turned his head to look at his student. “And brave. You are probably the bravest person I know. You always put others before yourself, Cole, I’ve always admired that. I think,” he stroked his beard, “that you would have made a great sensei.” He stroked his beard, his white hair almost silver in the dim lights of the hospital room. Distantly, Cole knew that if he had the strength to talk, he would have mentioned to him that his age was showing. 

Cole also subconsciously thought about the fact that Wu used verbs in the conditional tense. That was a tense used to describe unachievable goals- things that could have been- i.e. “would have made.”

There was a pang in Cole’s chest and it definitely wasn’t the normal sharp pain he felt. Through his closed eyes, he could see his mother...it was nostalgic. It was sad.

Sadness. Cole couldn’t think about one thing for too long, but he knew he was sad. He didn’t want to die again. 

The pair had been quiet for a minute, the music in the dance coming to a slow. Cole tried not to focus on breathing for too long, and Wu sat beside him, watching. Wu didn’t want Cole to die again, either. 

“I will cherish this moment with you forever, Cole. Thank you.”

Cole made a face- or hoped he did, anyway- that was supposed to say  _ likewise. _

It was silent again, and a small, silver tear slipped down Wu’s face.

Which reminded Cole-

“O-n my nightstand..” was all he managed before drowning in the air, which made his mind all weird and fuzzy and made the stars begin to shine even more so than usual.

“Is there something on your nightstand that you wish to give the others?”

It was like Wu knew every one of Cole’s dance moves, the way he was able to match him so perfectly. Cole nodded through his attempts to regain his breath.

“Very well,” he said. “I will give it to them in due time.”

The dance ended for the final time.

After a while longer, the others showed up, just as they did every night. Cole wished they would leave; he didn’t want them to get more hurt seeing him like this. He wished he could be free.

Jay, Kai, Nya, Lloyd, Pixal, Wu...Zane...they didn’t deserve to be hurt like this. It honestly confused him why they stayed at his bedside that night for longer than usual.

For a long time, they all remained by his bed, making small talk and occasionally laughing or glancing in his direction, as if he were an actual part of the conversations they were having. Soon, though, every one made to leave save for Zane, and Cole could hear his family bid him farewell. 

Mentally, Cole wished them each a goodnight and a goodbye, too, and he was sure everyone knew that if he were able he would have said something much more sentimental verbally. 

But Zane had said “I’m going to stay the night, tonight,” so Cole didn’t mentally tell him goodnight just yet. The ice ninja pulled the chair by Cole’s bedside close.

The nindroid asked him: “How much does it hurt?”

After a few moments of struggle and obvious pain, there was the tiniest response.

“Ten.” 

Ten. It finally hurt ten. A tear rolled down Zane’s metal cheek- then another, then another- and soon Zane was a sobbing mess. He grabbed Cole’s hand, still careful to be gentle with him through his tears.

Zane stood from the chair and planted a firm kiss on Cole’s forehead, letting tears run from his own face to the other ninja’s. “I am sorry I did not do that while we had more time,” he managed, his voice so low he was fairly certain that even if Cole were conscious he would not have heard. 

Cole Brookestone did not feel sad anymore. He felt happy because he had wanted this very moment for a very long time. Yet, though he didn’t feel sad anymore, a small tear slipped from his own eye and six months' worth of kept promises were broken.

The black ninja squeezed the nindroid’s hand and Zane realized Cole had felt everything he had done. 

* * *

Zane woke up early the next morning, in the same position he had fallen asleep in, dried tears on his face and Cole’s fingers still interlaced with his-

-he was still clutching Cole’s hand, but he was holding Cole’s  _ lifeless  _ hand.

No noise escaped Zane just yet, but he wanted to scream, he wanted to cry out. Instead, the nindroid stretched out a trembling arm and rested it on Cole’s cold face.

_ “I love you.” _

But now he knew Cole could never say it back.

And then he felt himself spiral, his body jerking with each sob that wrenched itself from his throat. He didn’t want to make any noise- if they knew Cole had expired, they would take him away- but Zane had no control on his thoughts and actions as he sat in a quavering heap beside Cole’s bed.

Then, in just a few precious moments, everyone was in the room and the rest of that day was a blur that Zane elected to erase from his memory.

  * **six months later**



“I don’t know why you even thought you’d get away with robbing a bank, especially not with  _ me _ protecting the city,” Kai taunted as he locked the robber away in Kryptarium. 

Menial crimes in Ninjago had significantly decreased, but the ninja were chafing with boredom, so the police often let them handle any skirmish in the city. If anything, it was a good distraction from the gaping hole in their team.

“C’mon, Kai,” his sister rolled her eyes, clearly fed up with the fire ninja’s performance. In a true sisterly fashion, she grabbed his gi and half pulled, half dragged him to the prison’s exit. 

“FSM, the Cain instinct is so real,” Nya muttered under her breath.

The remainder of the team followed the siblings suit, not wanting to spend any more time in the prison than necessary. 

As the team reached their parked vehicles outside the building, Lloyd furrowed his brow. Pulling out his ringing phone, he wondered, “Uncle’s calling me…”

Jay chuckled. “Woah, really? Wu never calls anyone.”

Lloyd answered the call, all eyes set intently on him. He listened to the phone for a while, before looking confused, then ending with “Yeah, Sensei, we will be back as soon as possible.”

“Well?” Nya asked. Lloyd just shrugged. “He says that he’s got something to show us. Must be important, he needs us back at the monastery ASAP.” 

* * *

Cole’s old room had not been touched since the day of his permanent transition to Borg Industries. After that day the door to his room was closed and no one had even thought about going in there since. 

Sensei Wu stood at the old door, but his eyes floated off somewhere past it, a mixture of dread and nostalgia resting on his face. Lloyd watched as his uncle clenched and unclenched his fist, like he was trying to relieve something ineffable.

_ Wu had said when they finally arrived at the monastery it was something about Cole. Why hadn’t he told them earlier? _

Lloyd took a deep breath and swung the door open. 

Immediately, any and all memories of their brother resurfaced. The room looked the exact same-  _ the exact same- _ as it had six months ago, save for the thin layer of dust that coated the unmade bed and his belongings.

The floor seemed to sway beneath their feet, but no one made a move towards the bedroom.

The oppressive silence was broken when Wu finally cleared his throat. “He told me there was something he wanted to give to you all. He said it was on his nightstand. I assume it is private, so I will be in my quarters.” He cast his head away from the ninja, hiding his watery eyes. “Do not hesitate to tell me if you need anything.”

He turned, his eyes still glued to the floor, and left the ninja standing at the doorway.

“It’s never gonna get better, is it?” Nya asked. 

All heads turned in her direction sans Lloyd, whose gaze was still weakly fixed on the middle of Cole’s room. The green ninja closed his eyes, then reopened them, only to still find he was standing at the open door of a bedroom. It wasn’t gonna ever get better, was it?

That was it. He stepped into the bedroom, and it smelled like Cole. It looked like Cole. But it wasn’t. Lloyd scolded himself that he had forgotten what Cole smelled like.

The rest of team ninja shuffled behind him until they were all standing in the middle of his room, maintaining an unwavering silence that each wanted so desperately to be broken, only none could find words to fill it. 

Everything was exactly where Jay remembered it had been, except on the nightstand, beside a picture, was a book. 

As soon as the memory registered in his mind, the blue ninja reached for what he supposed Cole had left for them.

“It’s…” Jay trailed off, trying to find the right words to say.

Lloyd stepped forward and grabbed the sketchbook from Jay’s trembling hands. His eyes searched the journal’s cover over and over again, as if the right words to say were written down on the leather and would just come out of his mouth.

Instead, all that came out was a choked cry.

“It’s his sketchbook,” he managed, meeting eyes with the rest of his teammates. “But on the back here, look. It’s addressed to us. All of us. Just like Wu said.”

Sure enough, written on the back of the journal in Cole’s looping cursive, were each of their names.

_ To Kai, Jay, Zane, Nya, Lloyd, and Pixal. _

“But he said…” Zane’s voice tapered off, unable to finish the thought.

Kai shook his head. “He said ‘over his dead body,’” he chuckled, before adding, “that bastard. I can’t believe it.”

Lloyd sat down on Cole’s bed, feeling the sketchbook’s cover in his hands. The others all found themselves a spot beside him, each where they could see the book.

With great might, Lloyd opened the journal. There were  _ hundreds _ of drawings, of little sketches, of little pieces of Cole’s talent that he had given to them, dotting each and every page.

A drawing of Zane, titled  _ My Moon. _

Of Lilly, as she suffered the same illness Cole had, titled  _ Stabat Mater. _

Of Wu and Cole, on the mountain, when they first met, titled in Cole’s handwriting  _ The First Dance. _

Of the team after some battle. Of each and every person. Of himself, though those were few and far between. Of his father.

Even some more recent ones. Of Cole and Zane leaning on each other, and Jay, Nya, Kai, Pixal, and Lloyd in some fierce argument off to the side, titled  _ Howl’s Moving Castle. _

The final entry was not a sketch, but rather a letter.

_ To whomever reads this first- _

_ If you guys are reading this, I’m probably dead (finally, like for real this time). And knowing you all it’s been probably a couple of months, too.  _

Cole had always been so good at reading people, hadn’t he?

_ Keep in mind that this is probably going to be very sappy. You all knew I wasn’t exactly the type for this kind of stuff, though, so try not to lose your shit. _

_ I just want to thank you all. From the very start of all of this, for letting me be your leader, for letting me into your lives. I really hope you all know how much I appreciate you guys. _

“We know,” Zane murmured as if Cole were alive and well and sitting right beside them.

_ And I guess I also wanna say thanks to you all for being my support. There have been so many times in my life that were- heh- rocky, especially over these last few months. Thank you all for your determination, for always being there when I was low, or high, or anywhere in between. Really, I owe everything to you guys. Without you all, I don’t know where I’d be. Well- probably still dead because of terminal cancer- but you know what I meant… _

Pixal noticed how Cole’s handwriting became shakier and shakier and how the normally neat cursive was mostly just scribbling. The thought of Cole using so much energy just to write this one page letter made her nauseous, but she swallowed and continued reading.

_ Dying three, going on four times sucks. I guess here’s my post-mortem request. Is it stupid to ask you all not to forget about me? That was always one of my biggest fears, probably stemming from the first time I died...but I don’t have enough time to unpack all of that. I guess my wish is just for you all to remember me. Keep the memories we made together very close in your heart. _

Pixal also wondered when Cole had written this. He had left his sketchbook at the monastery, but this letter…it was certainly written when Cole was at her father’s building, but she brushed it off. It was not her concern anyway.

_ I’m also gonna assume that there will be more bad guys you all will have to face without me. I have plenty enough confidence that you will defeat them very easily, but just know that I’m so gonna miss fighting beside you guys! Which brings me to my next point- _

_ I don’t know if there’s an afterlife. I don’t know if Lloyd’s grandad ever made it that far. But just think about how, if there is, I’m gonna see my mom again. And, eventually, I’ll see you all too, I’m sure of it. _

_ I know, writing this letter, that I have a week max left. If I wrote down everything I could possibly wanna tell you, it would take an eternity, but that’s an eternity I don’t have. There are so many things I wanna say but I can’t write them all down because I’m tired all the time and can barely hold a pencil upright and I can’t get all the words from my head to the paper. _

_ I’ll end with this- stay friends. Stay together, live until you’re so old you are like me and on ventilators except I’m eighteen and you all are, like, a thousand. You all would do that for me, right? _

Zane closed his eyes and did not open them for a long while. He dreaded reading the last line of the paper. It was all he had left of Cole- all he had left of his  _ best friend,  _ who had been so much  _ more _ than a friend _ - _ and something deep in his mind told him not to read it, so he still had a part of Cole left with him, a part that was alive and breathing and alright.

He felt Pixal’s arm grab his wrist and squeeze gently, and slowly, Zane peeked one eye open, and then another.

_I love you all more than words can express. I hope I’ve made that very clear._ _I love you Jay, Kai, Nya, Lloyd, Zane, and Pixal._

Upon reading their names, everyone broke down into sobs. They held each other and held the now tear-stained sketchbook so tight to their chests it may have disintegrated. They cried because of all the things Cole did, but more importantly, all the things he could have done, because Cole was really the strongest, bravest, and the kindest person they knew. 

_ With love, _

_ Cole Brookestone _

_ (P.S.- tell my father I followed her. He will know what you mean.) _


	2. for you, a hundred years over.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an epilogue, of sorts

“It has been a while,” Zane greeted Cole. “We have not spoken in quite some time. I have missed you.” 

The nindroid waited for a response, but none came. That was alright-- he did not expect one anyway.

“They are calling for the first snow of the year tonight,” he said, sitting down on the frost-covered grass. “And it is going to be a blue moon. You love those, correct?”

Again, there was no response. Zane understood why, but after all those years of understanding, it still hurt.

“Well, I certainly have an affinity for them,” he smiled, picking at the grass, “just as I have an affinity for you.” This time, he did not wait for an answer as he stood and gently placed the lilies he had picked earlier down on the ground. 

“I think I may see you again soon,” he said. He turned away from Cole’s almost two-hundred-year-old gravestone, heading back home before the oncoming snowy weather decided to worsen.

* * *

Zane liked how the moon was always shining the brightest in winter.

He liked how the snow reflected the moon’s shimmering gray aura, and he liked the way the moonlight glinted off of his dulling metal body.

Zane especially liked tonight’s moon, though. It was a blue moon.

It was also the first snow of the year, and it had come early and unexpected. It was only mid-November, but the temperature was in the single digits, and snow already littered the Birch Forest where Zane resided. 

Zane sat on his little cottage’s bench on the front porch, watching the moon peek out from behind the snowy clouds.

He was alone on his veranda staring at the sky for hours on end every night. This was part of his little nightly ritual; but Zane really liked tonight, because the moon seemed to be a different color.

Nights like these--blue moons-- only came around every two and a half years. Zane cherished every one of them, though he had seen about eighty-five in his lifetime-- still, each blue moon was always a night he looked forward to, even if the saying “once in a blue moon” had long lost its meaning. 

All in all, Zane decided that today was a good day. It was a blue moon, the year’s first snow, and he had visited each of his friends.

It had been many years since they passed, but Zane would not forget them.

As he stared at the moon, he wondered if he was even capable of forgetting things, besides using his selective memory and _deleting_ them from his hard drive or flipping his memory switch and forgetting everything. He was fairly certain that he could still remember each detail about his life, which seemed to answer his question. Perhaps newer models of nindroids could forget things.

There came a time when society had advanced past the need for simple nindroids like Zane and had developed newer models. The simple fact of the matter was that Zane was outdated.

He wonders why it only roughly 213 years for him to become outdated when the moon is still the same moon from millions of years ago. He wonders why it only took eighteen years for Cole to become outdated. 

He has not forgotten about Cole and he never will, even though of all the hundreds of years Zane had lived, Cole was only part of approximately seven of them. 

Soon, the moon finally hid behind the snowy clouds, and the sky and its moon became invisible behind the overcast weather. 

Zane stood, heading back inside to his little home, which was nothing more than a roof over his head and a harbor for little things that reminded him of his life-- things like his old gis, sensei robes from his time teaching the next generation of elemental masters, pictures, baking supplies (though there was no one to bake for), and a sketchbook.

He lit a candle in his windowsill and sat down in the chair beside it, watching the snowfall outside become lighter and lighter, until it was barely snowing anymore.

He closed his eyes.

_Time is the longest distance between two people._

_Zane remembers the week after Cole’s death. He remembers that day, six months later, in his bedroom._

_He remembers looking at the full moon for the first time since the night on the top of Borg’s Tower._

\---

“The moon is pretty tonight,” Lloyd said, sitting down in the monastery’s courtyard beside Zane. The team had decided to spar at night that day.

“Yes,” Zane agreed quietly, though the truth was he had not bothered to look at it. He had not told them about the night on top of Borg’s tower two weeks before Cole’s death, and he didn’t exactly plan to, because some things were better kept between himself and the earth ninja.

Lloyd averted his gaze from the sky to Zane, whose eyes were glued to the ground. He placed a hand on Zane’s knee, a concerned look crossing his face when he saw the nindroid. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Lloyd asked, worry growing in his voice.

At once, Zane’s expressionless face crumbled, his absent eyes drooping with despondence and his mouth twisting into a pained frown. He frantically looked to Lloyd, then back down to the ground, then back up at the green ninja. 

“I am unsure,” he said under his breath. It had barely been a month since Cole passed.

Lloyd drew in a shaky breath before fully embracing the titanium ninja. Zane let Lloyd hug him, and as his face rested on Lloyd’s shoulder, he finally looked up.

He saw himself in the full moon’s reflection. Lloyd was right--it was pretty tonight. 

“Thank you, Lloyd.” 

\---

_He remembers all of Cole’s drawings._

\---

Cole’s sketchbook was somewhat of a taboo subject. 

It had been studied. There was not a page left unturned by the ninja, with each sketch, no matter if it was just a scrapped rough draft or full drawing, scrutinized to extensive detail.

The other ninja had known he was fairly artistically talented, but the journal was just a reminder of how skilled he had truly been.

While the ninja didn’t exactly talk about the drawings out loud, there was some unspoken agreement that the book was to remain available for anyone to look at whenever they pleased. 

Eventually, after many years, when the bindings of the book were worn down and the pages nearly transparent, the drawings were salvaged and framed. They now resided on the mantel in Zane’s cottage.

\---

 _He remembers watching_ Howl’s Moving Castle _with the team again, and the tears and memories that it brought._

\---

The credits scrolled. 

“It really is a good movie,’ Lloyd said quietly. The others nodded in quiet agreement.

Zane couldn’t help but flinch as he was reminded about the last time he watched this movie, when Cole was by his side.

(Kai still did not remind anyone of Howl.)

\---

_He remembers the first Day of the Departed without the earth ninja, almost a year after his death._

\---

“Day of the Departed is about remembrance,” Wu said, lighting a lantern and placing it in the middle of the monastery’s courtyard, “And we each have many important people in our lives that we must never forget.” Zane knew that better than anyone.

The ninja held a small ceremony for their fallen brother, but it extended farther than that. Each citizen of Ninjago remembered the earth ninja, who fought for the safety of their city and died in battle.

Across Ninjago, lanterns were lit in remembrance of Cole Brookestone.

\---

_He remembers Jay and Nya getting married. There was an empty seat and one less groomsman._

\---

Jay was almost finished with his toast. Kai and Lloyd were already in tears (of _course_ they were), and Nya looked happier than she had in quite some time.

Zane and Pixal sat together, smiling wide and listening to Jay’s heartwarming speech, while Nya was beaming up at him.

“And, um, finally, there’s just one more thing I would like to add,” the blue ninja said as color crept into his freckled cheeks. “I made a promise to my best friend about two years ago. I told him that he would be the best man at my wedding after I proposed to Nya.”

He looked down and fidgeted with the ring on his finger, before speaking again. “Cole’s not here anymore, um-- obviously.”

The room quieted, but smiles remained on the ninja’s faces.

Jay laughed, only slightly awkwardly. “But I know that if he were here, he would be so happy for us, and I know that he’s probably smiling from wherever he is now because I just got married to the love of my life. And I hope he knows that I love him so, so much, and I wish he could be with us right now.”

Nya gave her toast, adding her own comments about Cole. The rest of the wedding was concluded-- it had been a gorgeous ceremony that was exactly what Nya and Jay had wanted.

Zane was, admittedly, a little jealous, but in a friendly kind of way; Jay got to marry the love of his life and his was gone.

\---

_He remembers Wu naming Zane the new sensei, placing him in charge of training the new elemental masters._

_Then he remembers hundreds of years. He remembers visiting Cole’s grave at least once a month, a tradition he had kept for the past two hundred years or so._

_He remembers his friends growing old, keeping their promise to Cole to live long and never forget. He remembers Wu, then Kai, then Jay, then Nya, then Lloyd’s passing. He remembers visiting their graves at least once a month, too. He remembers Pixal deciding to shut down after a while, saying that she had lived her life in full and was ready to join the others._

_He remembers the years that have separated himself and the earth ninja._

_He remembers how soon everything will become outdated and old. He remembers being told that this process was unavoidable._

_He is not sure if he remembers how to deactivate himself, but he does remember telling Cole earlier that day at his grave that he would see him again soon._

When Zane reopened his eyes, he was in a place that was warm. It was familiar only in the sense of vague belonging, like perhaps he had seen this place many years ago in a dream.

He was standing in the middle of a lush field. The open blue sky loomed overhead, the sun visible on the east end, and the silver lining of the moon on the west. Large, twisted trees dotted with golden leaves littered the field, and the slight breeze carried the leaves into the air and swirled them around his body.

“It has been a while,” an unfamiliar voice sounded behind him. 

Zane turned his attention to the source of the voice. “Where am I?” he questioned.

“Well, I suppose this place can be wherever you want it to be, Zane,” the man answered. The ice ninja recognized the man as the First Spinjitzu Master, though his back was still turned away from the nindroid, blocking Zane’s view of the field.

The titanium ninja narrowed his eyes, gaze fixated on the First Master’s back. “Is this the end?”

Perhaps this was it, Zane reasoned. This was the FSM’s finality, and after this, there would be nothing. He had so many questions that would never be answered.

“Death is simply a part of creation,” the First Master answered with a _tch,_ “not the end of it.”

The spinjitzu master turned to face Zane for the first time, before stepping over to the nindroid’s side, allowing him to now see the field. 

He took Zane’s shoulders. “You did well in my world because even in death your friends were waiting for _you_ to come home,” he said, a small smile gracing his lips.

In the field’s distance stood five figures, and though Zane was too far away to see their faces, he knew to whom they belonged.

“That is really them,” Zane told the FSM, with a lingering gaze on the people in the field. He did not wait for Lloyd’s grandfather to respond before breaking into a run, chasing the silhouettes in the distance as fast as his legs would allow.

He was sure that by now the people in the field had noticed him, as they waved him on with smiles on their faces. When he finally reached the group, he was not out of breath. He felt more alive than he had in the past two hundred years. 

Kai, Nya, Lloyd, and Jay, each young and happy, all stood in a circle facing him. He had missed these faces.

When he finally pushed past each of them, he was met with a face he had not seen in even longer.

Cole, just as Zane had remembered him before he got sick, pulled the ice ninja into his arms.

The nindroid grabbed Cole’s back and was afraid to let go. He pressed his metal cheek to the other boy’s shoulder, and the black ninja’s chin rested on his head. He could feel Cole alive. 

Zane’s voice came out muffled. “I followed you,” he breathed.

Cole hugged Zane tighter before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. _“I love you, too. And I am also sorry I didn’t say it sooner.”_

Zane supposed it was at this moment he realized that when you love someone, they will love you back in whatever way they have to love, even if it means living a hundred years over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, when i planned this fic out, it was supposed to be just one chapter, but all of your amazing, kind, and positively WONDERFUL comments made me realize that i just couldn’t leave this alone because i made zane very very sad. so, after about a month, here's a final chapter-- it is short and relatively to the point, but it is finally some closure.  
> second of all, this is kind of an au of an au. it can be canon to stabat mater only if you want it to be! i like the idea of meeting again, but it totally adds to the sadness meter if it's not canon, so i will leave that up to each reader's discretion. this is pretty vague and up to your interpretation. 
> 
> check out my shitty memes and drabbles on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/imthepointe)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for taking the time to read :)  
> talk to me on my tumblr https://imthepointe.tumblr.com/


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